30% of BDSM participants are females. Of those, 89% of cis hetero females are subs.*
A lot of people see domination as a kink (it can be), but that’s not really how I feel about it. Part of the reason why I blog is to try and find people who think like I do – birds of a feather and all. So I didn’t have much to use as a reference when trying to describe my feelings about domination, until I read “Training Season” by Leta Blake.
Rob Lovely, a hot Montana rancher, is the protagonist’s (Matty’s) love interest. He’s dominant, and while he’s into sadism, it’s not necessarily his main focus. He sums up my feelings in these next two passages.
[Rob:] “I wasn’t good at being submissive. I was bored by it, and sometimes found it funny. Or maybe I just never really respected the tops I worked with. I’m not sure.”
Matty smiled. “I think you just know your place – and it’s not on your knees.”
“Unless I want it to be.” – Leta Blake, Training Season
Unlike Rob, I didn’t find my experiences funny, but there was definitely a respect piece that was lacking in every experience. However, being dominant isn’t always about who’s on top; that’s something that took me a while to figure out.
It’s more emotional than physical.
[Matty:] “See, here’s the thing. I’m fucked up. No, this is fucked up. I’m on my hands and knees for you, taking it however you give it to me, and I don’t want it to ever stop, and it’s fucked up. We’re fucked up.”
A glance from the corner of his eye showed that Rob’s fingers were tight on the wheel, and that he was nodding slowly, swallowing hard.
[Rob:] “Funny, but I feel the same way. Like I’m the one on my hands and knees, taking what I can get.” – Leta Blake, Training Season
To me, control isn’t about taking what I want. I see the goal as pleasing my partner. In a way that makes me the slave. Sometimes that can make it hard to tell who’s “on top”, and depending on how you define it, the line can blur.
Sometimes that line brushes me softly like a feather; other times I feel it keenly like a blade. But it’s always there.
Rob’s safeword is “cowbell”. What’s yours?
*So says Wikipedia, the God of All Knowledge. Okay, it’s not completely accurate all the time, but you get the idea.
Leta Blake as a sequel to Training Season coming out soon – check it out. If you haven’t read the first one…read it now. http://letablake.wordpress.com/